Monthly Archives: May 2014

Eggplant Parmesan Rolls with Kale and Mint, Prosciutto-Wrapped Asparagus, & Agua Fresca de Sandía. And the Most Important Day of the Year.

Today is May 27th, 2014. I woke up to a gray and chilly Stockholm morning. Bob Dylan was of course the only choice. I’ve been absent from this writing space, I hope you’ll forgive me. We’ve been busy bees and to be honest I’ve been stuck with my writing. I’m split between the silly banter I Iove to share and the more serious yogic reflections I’ve been having during this now over 45 days of practice. It feels really good to come back to this space though, and I truly appreciate all of you for reading these words and connecting. I feel so blessed by the growing numbers of people who are reading the blog and are joining our 30 Days of Yoga. It’s incredibly inspiring and I am so thankful for each and every one of you.

There are so many things I’ve wanted to share with you lately. Big things have happened in my yoga practice, big things have happened in my kitchen, and big things have happened behind my camera lens. But that’s all for another day.

Today, there is only one thing that matters.

On this day, some years ago, a spark of light shot out of the heavens and into this world. Like an arrow from the sun. That spark was my dearest sister Janina being born. It was track and field day at Uni Hill Elementary and I was 5 years old. It was a hot and sunny day and from the field where we were doing the three-legged race, you could see the backdrop of the beautiful Rocky Mountains. Our family friend Maryann showed up in her old volvo station wagon and told me and my brother that the baby was here and we were going to the hospital. I remember how hot the beige leather seats were and the smell of cigarette smoke so common in any car in the early 80’s. We drove away waving at our friends on the field. We got to the hospital and my parents let me hold this precious little light. I looked in her beautiful, big, brown eyes and she whispered without words: ‘Come In’ she said, ‘I’ll give you shelter from the storm.’ From that second I knew she would be the biggest, bravest, and most beautiful little sister anyone could have.

I’ve thought a lot about her lately. She is the one who brought me to my first formal yoga class. And while I was making fun of the teacher and his choice of new age music (that of course I now play during my classes), she was the one who smiled and didn’t have to say a word for me to understand that sometimes you have to stop judging long enough to receive the gift that is right in front of you. She didn’t have to say a word. Her openness to the world and new things, her ability to give things a chance, her choice to not stay mundane and stagnant, propelled me to challenge myself and try this practice. That moment changed my life.

But it was long before yoga that my sister lifted me up with her light and love. It was every time that I was down on the ground in a tangle of self pity and life’s inevitable blues, that she would be right there, holding my hand and making me laugh. She was there through every break up, every job lost or gained, she drove me to the airport every. single. time. I left the country (which was up to 3 times a month for over 7 years) and was waiting with open arms when I returned from conflict zones with stories of broken bodies and horrors that would be stuck in my head for months. And she was the one who drove me to the airport the day I left for good. I don’t know if I’ve ever cried so hard. Just thinking of that moment I let go of her and waved goodbye rips my heart wide open.

How can one person be so amazing?

When we were young she was a dancer and her grace revealed her true nature. While she may have felt like an insecure teenager, I could see what was inside. A gem whose light could shatter any darkness and any doubt. She would say she was afraid of public speaking, but then she would blow away a crowd with her poise and incredible words. Her artistic nature took her onto her career path as a hair stylist. She grew a business all on her own. Her talents built a large clientele who love her. She is more capable than she’ll ever know.

And then she found her life partner and became a mother to his beautiful and strong little 5 year old daughter. Just like that, without being pregnant, without labor, without preparation, she became the most amazing mother I have ever seen. She dove in. And oh what a mother she is. They say that in this position you are a ‘step-mother.’ For my sister though, there is no step about it. She is a full, compassionate, wise, deeply caring and hard-working MOTHER. I have learned so much about motherhood from her. I’ve watched her raise an incredible young woman.

My sister has a fear of flying, but that didn’t stop her from crossing the atlantic in the air with my mother to be by my side when the little dove was born. And when the little dove decided to be over 3 weeks late, my mother and sister changed their tickets at a high cost. And when the little dove still wouldn’t come and my mom couldn’t stay any longer, my sister emptied her savings to make sure she was with me. She changed her ticket like 3 times. And then she rubbed my feet and shoulders, she supported Mr. Wonderful, and told me I was strong enough, and kept my mother and the rest of my family updated, through what would become an arduous, 4 days laboring in the hospital. She was the third person to hold the little dove. And then when I had to have an emergency post-labor operation she held my hand all the way to the ER tears streaming down our cheeks and I knew that I could leave my new baby and my Mr. Wonderful and she would be there with them.

There are a million more things I could say about this unbelievable woman. This rock of compassion and generosity. She is in every ray of sunshine I see. She is every in every breath I take. ‘There are places I’ll remember, all my life, though some have changed, some forever, not for better, some have gone, and some remain, all these places have their moments, with lovers and friends, I still can recall, some are dead and some are living, in my life, I’ve loved them all. But of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares with you, and these memories lose their meaning, when I think of love as something new, though I know I’ll never lose affection for people and things that went before, I know I’ll often stop and think about them, in my life I love you more.’ Happy Birthday my darling dearest sister.

Eggplant Parmesan Rolls with Kale and Mint:

(adapted from Bon Appétit)

Ingredients:

2 medium eggplants (about 2 1/4 pounds total), trimmed, cut lengthwise into 1/4-inch-thick slices
Coarse kosher salt
Extra-virgin olive oil
1 1-pound bunch kale, center ribs removed and chopped into 2 inch pieces
2 large eggs
1 15-ounce container whole-milk ricotta cheese
1 1/4 cups finely grated Parmesan cheese, divided
2 tablespoons chopped fresh mint
3/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 15- to 16-ounce can tomato sauce
1 8-ounce ball fresh water-packed mozzarella, drained, thinly sliced

Directions:

1. Cover bottom and sides of each of 2 large colanders with 1 layer of eggplant slices; sprinkle generously with coarse salt. Continue layering eggplant slices in each colander, sprinkling each layer with coarse salt, until all eggplant slices are used. Place each colander over large bowl; let stand at least 30 minutes and up to 1 hour. Rinse eggplant slices to remove excess salt; dry thoroughly with paper towels.

2. Position oven rack 5 to 6 inches from heat source and preheat broiler. Line 3 large rimmed baking sheets with parchment paper. Arrange eggplant slices in single layer on prepared baking sheets. Brush both sides of eggplant slices with olive oil. Broil 1 sheet at a time until eggplant slices are tender and beginning to brown, watching closely and removing eggplant slices as needed if cooking too quickly, 3 to 4 minutes per side. Remove baking sheet from oven and cool eggplant while preparing filling.

3. Bring large pot of salted water to boil. Add kale to pot and boil just until tender, about 2 minutes. Drain; rinse with cold water. Squeeze kale very dry, then chop coarsely. Squeeze kale dry again between paper towels. Whisk eggs and pinch of coarse salt in medium bowl. Stir in chopped kale, ricotta cheese, 1 cup Parmesan, mint, and black pepper.

4. Lightly oil 15x10x2-inch glass baking dish. Spread half of tomato sauce evenly over bottom of dish. Divide chard-ricotta filling among eggplant slices, placing about 1 heaping tablespoon filling in center of each. Starting at 1 short end of each, loosely roll up eggplant slices, enclosing filling. Arrange rolls, seam side down, atop sauce in baking dish. Spoon remaining tomato sauce over. Place mozzarella slices in single layer over rolls. Sprinkle with remaining 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese. DO AHEAD Can be made 1 day ahead. Cover with foil and chill.

5. Preheat oven to 350°F. Bake eggplant Parmesan rolls, covered with foil, until heated through, about 30 minutes if freshly made or 40 minutes if refrigerated. Uncover and bake until brown in spots and sauce is bubbling, 15 to 20 minutes. Serve hot.

Broiled Prosciutto-Wrapped Asparagus:

Ingredients:

3 bunches of asparagus, stems trimmed 2 inches from the bottom
2 four-ounce packages of prosciutto di parma
Kosher salt
Freshly ground pepper

Directions:

1. Preheat the broiler to high (with the rack 6 inches from the heating element) and assemble the ingredients.

2. Divide the asparagus evenly onto two large baking trays.

3. Drizzle with a little olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Toss the spears to coat evenly.

4. Cut each slice of prosciutto into 2-3 thin stops lengthwise.

5. Wrap each spear with a slice of prosciutto.

6. Place a tray under the broiler for 5-8 minutes (tossing the spears at the halfway point) or until the prosciutto crisps up and the asparagus is tender. Repeat the process with the second tray.

Agua Fresca de Sandía (Fresh Watermelon Juice):

Ingredients:

1/4 – 1/2 (depending on size) watermelon chopped into cubes (seeds removed if large)
3 Ice cubes
2 cups water
2 Tbs chopped fresh mint
1 cup sparkling water

Directions:

1. Place the first 4 ingredients in a blender and blend on high for a minute.

2. Pour into a carafe and top with sparkling water.

Enjoy!

p.s. Here is Day 45!! Let your love flow!

Vietnamese Pork Meatballs with Fresh Asian Noodle Salad & Death.

Today I got an RSVP reminder in my inbox. It was for… wait for it… my 20 YEAR high school reunion. Gah. Go ahead, take a minute to digest that. 20 goddamn years?? I mean how old am I? You are never old enough to have been out of high school for 20 years, right? 20 years is like a full grown adult. 20 years is a bad prison sentence. 20 years is 2 decades. Multiple wars and even a little peace can take place in 20 years. 20 years feels like an eternity.

All of my friends who I went to high school with seem to be having the same reaction. It’s like having the wind knocked out of you and you can’t breath and you realize in that instant that you are human and you are going to die. Seeing ’20 Year Reunion’ feels like that. I’ve been jolted into my mortality on multiple occasions… some bad, some good, and while this is a jolt, it feels like a slow motion jolt, like a Paul Simon song, like nostalgia, like road trips, like sunburns and too many cigarettes. This body, this temple, it’s only our vessel for some time. Who knows for how long that time is? We often forget that this is all temporary… until we remember being 17 and realize how far away that is.

20 year reunions make you reflect on who you were then, who you are now, and whether you’ve followed your dreams. Who did you become? Where did you go? What battles did you overcome, what struggles continue? For some it’s overwhelming. For some it’s an ego trip. For some it’s just a fun time. For all it’s some form of a mirror. I mean shit, we’ve all gotten older. There is no preventing that. If we are having our 20 year reunion it means we are almost 40. When I was young I watched the show ’30 Something’ and thought the people on the show were sooooo old. And now I’ve almost surpassed them! How did it happen? Where did it go?

Some friends are anxious about the reunion, but the fact is – we are all struggling and we are all thriving, maybe at different times, but no one escapes being human. People have died, people have gotten married, people have gotten divorced, people have had children, people have lost children, people have found their dream careers, people have not been able to find work, people have traveled the world, people have stayed in our home town, people have grown to be better, people have grown to be worse, people have found what they are looking for, people are still seeking.

So why should anyone care? Why should a reunion cause any anxiety? We have this idea that we have to be the best or better than anyone could have imagined. It’s as if people think this might be their chance to clean the slate, to wipe away any poor memory people might have of them. Like a do-over. But why? What is there to prove? And to whom? Or are we really trying to prove something to ourselves?

What if we just showed up happy with who we are? What if we showed up as our full self with the scars and the victories? What if we did this every time life threw us that jolt and showed us how mortal we really are? If we could overcome the distracting insecurities that make the thought of getting old and dying so horribly scary, we might be able to shine brighter than we ever imagined. The truth is, death is right there. In any instant. As we get older we can either make peace with that fact, or keep running from it.

And let’s be honest, who the hell wants to be in high school again? I’d rather stick a fork in my eye, but instead I’ll grab some chopsticks and eat this. You should too because hey, life’s short and this is delish.

Vietnamese Pork Meatballs with Fresh Asian Noodle Salad (adapted from iamafoodblog):

For the Lemongrass Pork Meatballs:

Ingredients:

1 Pound ground organic pork
1/2 gluten free breadcrumbs
1 Egg
2 Tbs finely minced lemongrass
3-4 Cloves garlic, finely minced
1/4 onion, finely diced
1/2 Tbs fish sauce
1 Scant Tbs sugar
1/4 Cup sliced green onions
2 Tbs gluten free soy sauce
Fresh ground pepper

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

2. Gently mix together all of your ingredients and shape into 1 inch meatballs.

3. Space out on a parchment lines baking sheet and bake for 20 minutes.

4. Turn the heat up to broil and broil for 5 minutes for some added color.

5. Remove from oven and add to your noodle bowl.

For the Fish Sauce Dressing:

Ingredients:

2 cloves garlic diced
1 Thai chili or Spanish chili sliced
2 – 2 1/2 Tbs sugar
Juice of 1/2 Lime
Generous 3/4 Cups water
2 Tbs fish sauce

Directions:

1. In a mortar and pestle, crush the garlic, chili, and sugar until a paste forms.

2. Add the garlic/chili mixture to the water.

3. Add the lime mix and then add the fish sauce.

4. Place the sauce in the fridge for a few hours or overnight for the flavors to intensify.

For the Noodle Bowl:

Ingredients:

2 Cups cooked glass noodles
1 cup shaved carrot
1 Small cucumber sliced
Cliantro
Mint
Sweet Thai basil

Directions:

1. Make your fish sauce dressing in the morning and put in the fridge to marinate.

2. Bake your meatballs.

3. Prep your veggies for the noodle bowl and cook the glass noodles while the meatballs are cooking. Rinse the noodles with cold water.

3. Assemble your bowls with all your ingredients and pour a few tablespoons of dressing on top. Mix and enjoy!

P.S. It’s day 4, or day 34 of our 30 Days of Yoga!! You are doing such great work! I am so excited about how many of you have joined us. Feel the strength from our collective energy. Love.

30 Days of Yoga. The Journey of Coming Home.

It’s Sunday, May 11th, 2014. It’s the 30th day of our 30 Days of Yoga together. It’s coincidentally Mother’s Day (that wasn’t planned, I swear). It’s rainy, gray, and cold out. I’m eating leftover pizza. No, really, I’m not the vegan shaman you were looking for.

At least I’m eating my pizza in deep reflection.

When I decided to do the 30 Days of Yoga, I really had no idea what it would mean. To be honest, I was a little apprehensive. I hadn’t practiced yoga regularly in a long time and I felt ill-equipped and out of shape. I spent a lot of time doubting that I could create or have a serious & transformative home practice. There was a lot of internal struggle. I also had to decide if I wanted to make the 30 Days public and if so, did I want to show people my yoga? What if it looked terrible? What if they saw the little belly that sags because I gave birth to the little dove? What if it’s just annoying fodder on the blogosphere or facebook? So much self doubt washed over me. What would it mean to change my life in this way and to share this journey in the hopes of helping others change theirs?

I decided my inhibitions were part of my ‘stuckness’ and I had to move forward with this work, to go public, to invite others to join me, and to record it all.

After all, part of this practice was intended to prepare me to teach yoga. But I still doubted…

The beginning was hard. My muscles ached. I felt wobbly and uncoordinated. I watched the videos and felt self conscious. But I stuck to it. Every time I posted a new video, a bunch of people would comment that they were inspired by them. Every day that I practiced I grew stronger. My feelings began to shift. My goal became clearer. My confidence grew. My practice expanded.

And you all jumped in. You were there with me even though we are miles apart. I could feel each and every one of you. I knew on the days I had struggles – maybe I was tired, sore, grumpy, short on time – I knew you had them too, but we were all persevering. Together. I could feel the energy this practice was creating. So many people were being inspired. People wanted more. People who have never done yoga wanted instruction. There was something about sharing my journey that made others want to start their own. I began to ask myself what I wanted to offer… what would the next step be?

My entire life has been a feminist initiative and my yoga is no different. I grew up in a Buddhist ‘community’ that was led by a male ‘guru’ who, while brilliant, also had sex with many of his his female students. The vibe in the community was patriarchal. I saw a lot of men in positions of power. I saw men making decisions. All in all it was merely a reflection of the outside world where people in general have very few examples of women gurus, teachers, and leaders. Then I grew up and I saw it all over again the yoga community. I studied Bikram yoga until I found out that he had been accused by many female students of sexual assault. Then we heard the news about John Friend – more sex with female students. The list goes on.

These are spiritual and religious teachers. These are leaders. These are people in positions of power. And they all abuse it. I’ve become so frustrated with the spiritual community and frankly the yoga community is so guilty of this shit too. Even beyond the teachers, look at Lululemon – a top selling yoga clothing company that degrades women’s bodies and blamed women’s thighs ‘rubbing together’ for the reasons their cheap fabric was see through and crap. The scariest part? Women still buy their clothes! Women still love the teachers I’ve mentioned above. Or, look at Elephant Journal, an online yoga and spiritual magazine whose 2nd most popular post of all time is a nude yoga video ‘shot by the husband’ & the all time most popular post involved ‘adult’ material because it’s about Playboy yoga! Elephant Journal talks about it as the ‘the ultimate challenge’ to traditionalist yogis (like I’m a stiff if I’m offended by Playboy yoga) & the idea that “as the Buddhists say, it’s our obstacles or enemies that are our best friends, provoking self-examination, questioning and growing pains” in reference to how folks might react to their posting of that video. Yes, you read that right. Let’s just kick back and allow the objectification of women in yoga because it provides good self examination. Gah! We live in a ‘man’s world’ STILL TO THIS DAY. Jesus. I’m tired. I’ve got a daughter to raise and it kills me that there are so few women leading politics and spirituality. And yoga goddamnit.

So that’s gotta change.

But there is also the feminist politics of what yoga has become and what it costs. Who is yoga for and who has access to it? Fortunately, a lot of folks are addressing this. There are many incredible female teachers who are not only challenging the idea of the yoga guru, but are taking the practice off the mat and into the world by doing community type work. There are great male teachers as well – even ones who get this sexist stuff and work with it on and off the mat.

I know, you are wondering what any of this has to do with our 30 Days of Yoga. Well, for me this journey was about expanding my view of what I wanted to contribute in this life. How is my yoga going to support social change? I’ve thought long and hard about creating a healing center for women’s human rights defenders, and that day may come, but until then I want to share this practice with everyone and I want to find ways to do it that are uplifting and supportive to everyone – no matter your gender, your sexual identity, your race, your income, your body shape, your past. I believe this practice has the power to transform the world. And if we all commit to a discipline like the 30 Days, I know in my heart we will see results that blow our minds. The power we hold to not only change our lives personally, but to change this world is magnificent and utterly unwielded. Yoga is a practice of coming home to who we really are. We must get up. We must start. We must take responsibility for ourselves. And then, only then, can we shake up a system that’s been in place for far too long. Maybe today it’s the system you’ve boxed yourself in with, maybe tomorrow it’s the system that’s controlled entire populations.

So, to this end, I’m starting with two things:

1. I’m inviting ALL OF YOU OUT THERE to join me in another 30 Days of Yoga beginning tomorrow, Monday, May 12th. We will do yoga for 30 minutes everyday for 30 days. I know you have 30 spare minutes because I’ve seen most of you on Facebook. I believe in your ability to do this. You might jump in for the first time ever using yoga videos at home or starting classes at a studio, or you might be joining from the past 30 Days. Awesome. Let’s do this. Let’s see who we can invite and see how many people can benefit from this. I’m also hoping to highlight certain asanas (poses) every few days as well to help folks understand the benefits. Feel free to ask me questions!

2. I have thought a lot about this and because there is so much interest from folks in my home town who would like some instruction, I would like to offer a donation based yoga class while I am in Boulder, CO this summer. I am on the hunt for a space that has a sound system. So if you know of anything let me know. Gah, it’s scary just to type this, but if I’m challenging you all to rise up and be the most authentic you possible, I best follow my own advice. Can I get a witness?

I am so proud of you all! And as Dr. Seuss once wrote: “But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a fighting creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.”

So on you will go. Love. Love. Love. and Yoga.

P.S. Here are my 30. I dedicate them to you.

Cacao, Peanut Butter, and Oatmeal Breakfast Smoothie & Breakdancing.

When I was around 7 years old, my brother was a incredible breakdancer. He was featured on national television with his crew and frequently did festivals and street performance. My family made ‘break boards’ – cardboard board that folded up with a handle so you could carry your dance floor wherever you went. A few times my brother’s crew took me downtown to break with them. They would put out a hat for donations and set up the boom box and the break board. Then I would take stage and bust out the six step. Yeah, that happened. My brother took me to my first breakdance movies, Breakin’ and Beat Street and I was hooked.

When I do yoga, I’m often thinking about how similar it is to breakdancing. I look at yoga asana and see this slick dance. For years I have wanted to take hip hop or breakdancing. As you know from my other posts, I grew up with music and dance. I danced through my teens and 20’s. You could literally ‘find me in da club with a bottle full of bub’ for like 15 years straight. I killed it on the dance floor. I danced my way though the rave scene of the 90’s, I salsa, bachatta, and cumbia’ed my way through Central and South America. I busted out salsa during hip hop songs and I got low, got low, got low, got low. The later years were all about hip hop. My entire week would be a build up to a weekend of dancing. And it went on like that for a long time.

Dancing and drinking went hand in hand – a little too much, sometimes a lot too much. At some point I woke up with my last hangover, body sore form the dance floor, and a busted bike that I had ridden home drunk. The clubbing sort of stopped then. I realized in a very blunt way that I was dancing and drinking away the darkness of the world. I was experiencing secondary trauma from working on women’s human rights issues and the drinking was soothing the thousands of human rights horror stories that ran though my mind every night. I had to stop everything for a while.

I moved to Sweden and I stopped dancing.

That sentence kills me. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I love to dance. Sure, I dance with the little dove in our living room at 11 a.m. and I love it. But, it’s not the same as a night dancing away to beats that move every part of your body and soul. In the dark with lights flashing, moving, moving, moving. Sure I knew that clubbing wasn’t really what I needed all the time, but then where does one dance? I kept telling myself over and over that I would take a dance class, but I never did. The confidence I had as a dancer faded and my intimidation grew.

But today, after drinking this power smoothie that I’ll tell you about below, I looked up ‘basic breakdancing’ on the internet. And just like that I was doing the six step again. Yeah, it was in my living room and during my yoga practice. Yeah it was slow and clumsy. But damn, it felt good. You see, sometimes it takes a long time to climb out of whatever well we’ve fallen into. My well was a deep hole where my career as a women’s human rights activist used to be, it was a hole where all my family and friends in the States were, it was a hole of everything I had known myself to be. Wells are damn hard to climb. The sides are curved, wet, slippery, and high. It takes everything we have to inch our way up. I think I slid down a million times in the last four years. Slowly I would build the strength to start climbing again. Then, one day you poke your head out and look around and you see the world with fresh eyes. You see that you can dance again. So you do.

Holy biscuits and gravy! This smoothie is like a dirty little secret that you think you can’t share. For shame! It is so good it must be bad. But guess what? It’s not! It’s packed with goodness: raw oats, dates, cacao, chia seeds, peanut butter, almond milk and banana. It’s like desert for breakfast, but it’s healthy and gives you energy. Say what? Make this now and then go do the six step out of that well! Then come back and tell me about it. Love!

Cacao, Peanut Butter, and Oatmeal Breakfast Smoothie:

Ingredients:

3-4 Ice cubes
1 organic banana
1/2 cup raw oats
2 Tbs Chia seeds
2 Tbs Peanut Butter
2 Tbs Cacao
1 to 1 1/2 cups almond milk or other non-dairy milk
5 soft dates

Directions:

1. Put everything in a blender and blend on high until smooth. I like the pour the almond milk in as the last ingredient as it helps prevent the cacao powder from poofing all over. Enjoy!

P.S. Here is a yoga video for inspiration. Day 27. You are brilliant.

Persian Inspired Cardamom, Rosewater, & Pistachio ‘Love Cake’ with Honey Rose Cream.

For the past two and a half years I’ve been a full time mamma. It’s easily been the hardest and most fulfilling job of my life. But the underbelly of me becoming a mother was a complete personal disregard for my own self care. I spent a good part of the first year with postpartum depression, although I didn’t really know it at the time. It was so very tough. I was completely embarrassed and confused by what I was feeling and felt very isolated and unsure of myself. I had gained a lot of weight during a pregnancy that was not at all what I had hoped and dreamed of. I also had to recover from six days at the hospital after four days of labor and a post labor operation that filled me with all the drugs I had managed to refuse during my hellishly long and difficult labor. The first few months were a strange time of falling deeply in love with this new being we had invited into the world and falling out of love with myself. I longed for my past – I felt like a stranger in this new body and role. Although I was constantly praised and loved by Mr. Wonderful, I wondered if I would ever feel strong and beautiful in my body again.

For a long time I was just waiting, waiting, waiting for some change to happen within me or outside of me. I walked everyday and the weight came off slowly over time, but I was still stuck in a conscious immobility that was born at the same time as the little dove. I made a thousand excuses for not being happy with who I was. The more I moved my body the better I felt, but the long, dark, winters, weren’t necessarily helping. I felt like I needed all these seemingly unattainable things to be who I wanted to be: six months at a yoga ashram in India with a legendary guru (preferably a woman guru – what?), another yoga teacher training, affordable yoga studios with welcoming communities, more experience, more this, more that, etc. It was a list that prevented me form movement. It was the: If I only had ____, I would finally be ____.

When I look around – especially at the yoga community (but not just), I see a lot of longing. There are so many folks who are searching for answers, gurus, the perfect pair of leggings (no, seriously). We become obsessed with the idea that if we only had the one thing, be it a teacher, the perfect handstand, or over-priced yoga clothes. Or maybe for some it’s finding the perfect partner, having a family, getting the great career, the perfect house, saving the world, etc. This longing somehow prevents us from being here now. It holds us back from this very moment. I spent ages wishing, dreaming, and longing for the perfect solution to my self doubt. All the while I had the power within me to make a change.

So what gives? Why are we always searching outward? What does it take to make us do the work ourselves, in the body we have, with the clothes on our back, and the money (or lack of) in our pockets, in our actual reality? It would mean being totally present in what might not be our dream world. The upside would be that we become unstuck and then who knows where we can go? The possibilities are limitless. It took me a long time to let go of the ashram dream and accept that for at least right now, my living room floor is where it is at. We live in a 400 square foot apartment with a 2 1/2 year old. It’s not much space, but surely enough for a yoga mat.

Self love seems to be the hardest lesson we have. I saw it over and over as a women’s rights activist – so much care given to others. We will risk our lives for others, but we will risk very little to move into the uncomfortable space of the now and make changes in our own lives. It is easy to care for others, to value their lives like pitchers of golden sunlight pouring life or prana into the dark cracks of the world. I think Milan Kundera put it best when he wrote: “On Monday, he was hit by a weight the likes of which he had never known. The tons of steel of the Russian tanks were nothing compared to it. For there is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one’s own pain weights so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.”

So it’s understandable that it can be hard to find compassion for oneself. To lift oneself up. To fill our pitcher and pour ourselves forth to fill our own cracks. What would that take? Would it take a big risk? Would it take recognizing the guru or teacher within yourself? Would it take loving yourself as much as you love the rest of the world? For me it took starting this blog and within it staring our 30 Days of Yoga journey together.

I can barely believe the change that has occurred. At first I thought that the videos and the blog posts were just for me, no one is really out there listening right? But you were. And you joined me in this opportunity to make deep changes. And what a blessing! For the first time since the little dove was born I feel strong in my body again. I feel proud in my skin. I feel whole and centered. It’s beyond what I imagined and it happened without an ashram or a guru. Now, that’s not to say that gurus are unnecessary, just that you don’t have to wait to find one outside of yourself to make change happen in your life. We just passed 20 days, and all I really know is that I want to do this practice everydamnday. I look forward to it, I long for it. I can do things I never believed I could do. I even held handstand for at least two seconds today. Wow. The healing. The strengthening. The calm. The kindness. The self love. The quiet. The compassion.

I heard a great song recently that says: “Well you’re the guru now, so visualizing healing, yeah you’re the guru now so visualizing leading.” Here’s to the the guru in each of you, the next 8 days, and all that comes after. Get off the couch, shut your phone, move your body, make your own damn cake, and eat it too, repeat. LOVE.

Cardamum, Rosewater, & Pistachio ‘Love Cake’ with Honey Rose Frosting:

Ingredients:

2 ½ cups flour
2 ½ tsp baking powder
½ tsp salt
¾ cup unsalted butter
1 ½ cup sugar
1 heaping tablespoon fresh ground cardamom
3 eggs, room temperature
1 Tsp vanilla extract
1 cup whole milk
¼ cup cream
1 Tbs rosewater

Frosting:

2/3 cup butter at room temperature
3 Tbs honey (I like Blue Gum honey)
4 Tbs boiling water
1 1/2 Tbs rosewater

Decoration:

Fruit or dried roses.
Heaping 1/2 cup of chopped, shelled, and roasted unsalted pistachios.

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350º. Grease and flour your bundt pan. Set aside.

2. Sift flour, baking powder, salt, and cardamom. Set aside.

3. In a large bowl, beat butter until creamy. Slowly add sugar and vanilla and beat 2 minutes.

4. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition, and then beat for 2 minutes.

5. Add rosewater to milk and stir.

6. Beginning and ending with dry ingredients, add them in three parts alternating with milk and cream in two parts. Pour batter into prepared pan, spreading evenly.

7. Bake about 45 minutes or until a tester comes out clean. Wait 5 minutes and inverto onto wire rack. Cool completely.

Directions for Honey Rose Cream:

1. Cream butter until light and airy and then add the honey in two batches, beating well after each addition. Add the water one tablespoon at a time and continue beating until the mixture is smooth and creamy. Add in rosewater and beat just until incorporated.

2. Trim Bundt base to level if necessary, ice cake with an offset spatula and then decorate with shelled and chopped pistachios and fruit or dried rosebuds (optional). Enjoy!!

P.S. Here are a couple yoga videos for inspiration!