For the past two and a half years I’ve been a full time mamma. It’s easily been the hardest and most fulfilling job of my life. But the underbelly of me becoming a mother was a complete personal disregard for my own self care. I spent a good part of the first year with postpartum depression, although I didn’t really know it at the time. It was so very tough. I was completely embarrassed and confused by what I was feeling and felt very isolated and unsure of myself. I had gained a lot of weight during a pregnancy that was not at all what I had hoped and dreamed of. I also had to recover from six days at the hospital after four days of labor and a post labor operation that filled me with all the drugs I had managed to refuse during my hellishly long and difficult labor. The first few months were a strange time of falling deeply in love with this new being we had invited into the world and falling out of love with myself. I longed for my past – I felt like a stranger in this new body and role. Although I was constantly praised and loved by Mr. Wonderful, I wondered if I would ever feel strong and beautiful in my body again.

For a long time I was just waiting, waiting, waiting for some change to happen within me or outside of me. I walked everyday and the weight came off slowly over time, but I was still stuck in a conscious immobility that was born at the same time as the little dove. I made a thousand excuses for not being happy with who I was. The more I moved my body the better I felt, but the long, dark, winters, weren’t necessarily helping. I felt like I needed all these seemingly unattainable things to be who I wanted to be: six months at a yoga ashram in India with a legendary guru (preferably a woman guru – what?), another yoga teacher training, affordable yoga studios with welcoming communities, more experience, more this, more that, etc. It was a list that prevented me form movement. It was the: If I only had ____, I would finally be ____.

When I look around – especially at the yoga community (but not just), I see a lot of longing. There are so many folks who are searching for answers, gurus, the perfect pair of leggings (no, seriously). We become obsessed with the idea that if we only had the one thing, be it a teacher, the perfect handstand, or over-priced yoga clothes. Or maybe for some it’s finding the perfect partner, having a family, getting the great career, the perfect house, saving the world, etc. This longing somehow prevents us from being here now. It holds us back from this very moment. I spent ages wishing, dreaming, and longing for the perfect solution to my self doubt. All the while I had the power within me to make a change.

So what gives? Why are we always searching outward? What does it take to make us do the work ourselves, in the body we have, with the clothes on our back, and the money (or lack of) in our pockets, in our actual reality? It would mean being totally present in what might not be our dream world. The upside would be that we become unstuck and then who knows where we can go? The possibilities are limitless. It took me a long time to let go of the ashram dream and accept that for at least right now, my living room floor is where it is at. We live in a 400 square foot apartment with a 2 1/2 year old. It’s not much space, but surely enough for a yoga mat.

Self love seems to be the hardest lesson we have. I saw it over and over as a women’s rights activist – so much care given to others. We will risk our lives for others, but we will risk very little to move into the uncomfortable space of the now and make changes in our own lives. It is easy to care for others, to value their lives like pitchers of golden sunlight pouring life or prana into the dark cracks of the world. I think Milan Kundera put it best when he wrote: “On Monday, he was hit by a weight the likes of which he had never known. The tons of steel of the Russian tanks were nothing compared to it. For there is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one’s own pain weights so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.”

So it’s understandable that it can be hard to find compassion for oneself. To lift oneself up. To fill our pitcher and pour ourselves forth to fill our own cracks. What would that take? Would it take a big risk? Would it take recognizing the guru or teacher within yourself? Would it take loving yourself as much as you love the rest of the world? For me it took starting this blog and within it staring our 30 Days of Yoga journey together.

I can barely believe the change that has occurred. At first I thought that the videos and the blog posts were just for me, no one is really out there listening right? But you were. And you joined me in this opportunity to make deep changes. And what a blessing! For the first time since the little dove was born I feel strong in my body again. I feel proud in my skin. I feel whole and centered. It’s beyond what I imagined and it happened without an ashram or a guru. Now, that’s not to say that gurus are unnecessary, just that you don’t have to wait to find one outside of yourself to make change happen in your life. We just passed 20 days, and all I really know is that I want to do this practice everydamnday. I look forward to it, I long for it. I can do things I never believed I could do. I even held handstand for at least two seconds today. Wow. The healing. The strengthening. The calm. The kindness. The self love. The quiet. The compassion.

I heard a great song recently that says: “Well you’re the guru now, so visualizing healing, yeah you’re the guru now so visualizing leading.” Here’s to the the guru in each of you, the next 8 days, and all that comes after. Get off the couch, shut your phone, move your body, make your own damn cake, and eat it too, repeat. LOVE.

Cardamum, Rosewater, & Pistachio ‘Love Cake’ with Honey Rose Frosting:

Ingredients:

• 2 ½ cups flour
• 2 ½ tsp baking powder
• ½ tsp salt
• ¾ cup unsalted butter
• 1 ½ cup sugar
• 1 heaping tablespoon fresh ground cardamom
• 3 eggs, room temperature
• 1 Tsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup whole milk
• ¼ cup cream
• 1 Tbs rosewater

Frosting:

• 2/3 cup butter at room temperature
• 3 Tbs honey (I like Blue Gum honey)
• 4 Tbs boiling water
• 1 1/2 Tbs rosewater

Decoration:

• Fruit or dried roses.
• Heaping 1/2 cup of chopped, shelled, and roasted unsalted pistachios.

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350º. Grease and flour your bundt pan. Set aside.

2. Sift flour, baking powder, salt, and cardamom. Set aside.

3. In a large bowl, beat butter until creamy. Slowly add sugar and vanilla and beat 2 minutes.

4. Add eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition, and then beat for 2 minutes.

5. Add rosewater to milk and stir.

6. Beginning and ending with dry ingredients, add them in three parts alternating with milk and cream in two parts. Pour batter into prepared pan, spreading evenly.

7. Bake about 45 minutes or until a tester comes out clean. Wait 5 minutes and inverto onto wire rack. Cool completely.

Directions for Honey Rose Cream:

1. Cream butter until light and airy and then add the honey in two batches, beating well after each addition. Add the water one tablespoon at a time and continue beating until the mixture is smooth and creamy. Add in rosewater and beat just until incorporated.

2. Trim Bundt base to level if necessary, ice cake with an offset spatula and then decorate with shelled and chopped pistachios and fruit or dried rosebuds (optional). Enjoy!!

 

P.S. Here are a couple yoga videos for inspiration!